Your Relationships Suck; Here’s How to Fix Them

Your relationships suck. That is the bad news. 

The excellent news is that you can fix them with just a little guidance. 

Here’s what you’ll learn about in this post:

• A period of my life where I realized my relationships sucked

• What I mean when I say your relationships suck and what to do about it

• And some questions for you to reflect on to improve relationships in your life

"How in the world do I have all these contacts in my phone and all these friends on Facebook and social media, yet when I need just one person to talk to, I can't find even a single person?" 

Can you relate?

That was me talking to myself. Not once, not twice, but at least a few times at different stages of my life. 

During these moments, I scrolled through my list of saved numbers but couldn't find one person I felt safe with and trusted enough to open up and talk to. 

It often left me feeling sad and putting my phone down in disappointment and sinking into my couch or bed, left to deal with my mental health and my issues on my own. 

At a point in my life where I felt this way deeply was December 2015. 

I was a junior in college. 

The best way to describe my junior year was that I went from overcoming one challenge to celebrating the victory for what seemed like thirty seconds and tackling the next challenge right away. 

The pattern repeated. 

It was as though I was competing in an obstacle course at a military boot camp.

I couldn't celebrate for long; I felt like I had to keep my guard up because it felt too good to be true that I would last a week with good news. That's how bad that season of my life was. 

It was as though testing my resilience or building resilience in me that year was written in the curriculum of my life. 

I started having suicidal thoughts in middle school, and no one knew. 

But in December 2015, I wrote a suicide note for the very first time when I texted my father from my dorm room, explaining to him why I felt tired of living. 

I sent the note to him to avoid leaving people in shock with questions unanswered. I wanted to relieve people of the possible shock and questions they would have if something happened to me.  

Not even my closest friends would've known that I had suicidal thoughts. 

A gift of mine is the ability to connect with people, build great relationships, and foster those relationships.

I was the unicorn student who, on my own, built direct, close relationships with even top leaders of my university, from the university's vice president to provosts and directors of all sorts of departments, professors, and more. 

Most importantly, I had a fantastic group of friends and community members who genuinely cared about my well-being. 

I may have had many problems, but building great relationships wasn't one. 

Wouldn't this make you think I would have zero issues finding someone to talk to during a dark season in my life? 

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. 

I had great relationships too, but to a great extent, the health of my relationships sucked; maybe you're feeling this way about a relationship or relationships in your life. 

It's okay—zero judgments over here. 

Why my Relationships Sucked:

My relationships sucked because, at their core, they were shallow. 

Shallow, not because I was shallow and not because the people in my life were shallow, but because the relationships I built were shallow. 

Merriam-Webster defines “shallow” as "having little depth,” “Penetrating only the easily or quickly perceived," and "lacking in depth of knowledge, thought, or feeling."

The second and third parts of the definitions spoke to me because these are the types of relationships we often build without realizing. It’s what I built without realizing it.

We sometimes think that having a large group of friends or being a member of an extensive network is what strong, healthy, and supportive relationships and community look like, but it's not. 

Could this be a key reason why the suicide rate is high in the United States regardless of a person's gender/sex, age group, social and economic background, race, ethnicity, etc.? 

Is the lack of solid relationships isolating people and leaving them to feel alone and hopeless?

It doesn't have to be this way. 

You can build a life of stronger connections and deeper relationships if you want to. 

If you are tired of relationships and connections that don't feel genuine and you want to stop having shallow relationships in your romantic life, with your family, friends, and people you care about (even at work), then you're on the path of discovering how fulfilling and richer your life can be with better tools to connect with others.

Yes, I said it, even at work! 

Our relationships at work are as meaningful as those in our personal lives.

 Do you desire to build genuine and deep connections with others but need help knowing where to start? 

As your Relationship Navigator, I want you to have the recipe for ending shallow relationships. 

That recipe is...

VULNERABILITY!

I know! I know! I know! 

I know what you're thinking. 

"Really Maman? Vulnerability? Seriously?

"Whyyyy?" 

Here's the thing: when we think of vulnerability as a society, we don't usually think positively about it. 

For example, I searched "Vulnerability definition" on Google.

According to Google, "Vulnerability is the quality of being easily hurt or attacked." 

"No, Google. Yes, you can get hurt and attacked, but that's not what vulnerability means." I said in my head as I rolled my eyes. 

I rewrote the question differently, but each time, vulnerability was defined as "…being exposed, hurt, etc." 

Whew!!!!

No wonder why we give vulnerability such a terrible reputation. 

"Okay, Maman, so how would you define vulnerability?" You ask. 

Be patient! I was getting there. 

Defining Vulnerability:

I define vulnerability as giving people and ourselves the permission and opportunity to allow each other in.  

Vulnerability is penetrating what is not easily seen or perceived; can you see how this is the total opposite of shallow?

Vulnerability grants people the privilege of knowing you behind the job titles, physical appearance, smiles, and sometimes, the resting B**** face. 

When we are vulnerable, we create an environment where walls begin to chip away. That allows us to build genuine connections in our personal and professional relationships. 

Vulnerability leads you to build strong bonds with your partner, family, friends, the people you serve through your work, and your coworkers.

Without you being vulnerable, someone can't honestly know you.

So, how can someone genuinely care about you and your perspectives if the person doesn't know you?

Your lack of vulnerability robs others of the opportunity to care about you or to care for you genuinely. 

Without someone being vulnerable, how can you truly know them? And if you don't honestly know someone, how can you genuinely love or care about them? 

It's impossible. 

If you want to strengthen your personal or professional relationships, old or new ones, you must practice vulnerability with the people in your life. 

Now what?

Reflect! Please take a moment to soak in the information discussed in this article.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to get you started:

1. Is there a relationship, or are there relationships in my life currently that can be improved if I allow myself to practice vulnerability?

2. How has the lack of vulnerability impacted the outcome of these relationships already?

3. How can I incorporate vulnerability in at least one relationship this week? 

Next week's article will discuss why vulnerability is the secret sauce you need to unlock struggling personal and professional relationships. 

Thank you for reading to the end!

Cheers!  

Love,

Maman, Your Relationship Navigator