3 Powerful Benefits of Vulnerability: Unlock Deeper Connections in Your Relationships

My entire world changed in 2013 when I decided to start becoming vulnerable with others.

I sat in my Women's Gender and Sexuality Studies (WGSS) Class as an eager college freshman. 

We were learning about the rape culture of girls and women in certain societies, especially war zones. 

Little girls, women, and even older women shared their various stories of being abused. 

To add salt to injury, the victims and survivors became outcasts by their parents, siblings, husbands, and community for "bringing shame to the family."

What surprised me was not the horrific experience of abuse they experienced or the victim blaming of their loved ones. 

What shocked me was this...

They were talking about it. They were sharing their stories. 

 "Wait, is that normal? Is it normal that victims and survivors talk about what happened to them?" I wondered silently.

Up to that point, it had never occurred to me that people could do that. 

How I Learned to Shame My Vulnerability:

I experienced ongoing molestation as a teenager; I never told a soul except the pages of my diary. 

It was a horrific time in my life. Yet, what seemed to be most destructive was what that period of my life taught me; it taught me to shame my vulnerability. 

The one who abused me continuously reemphasized that no one would believe me over him and that my family would disown me. I was fourteen years old. 

Given that he was a respectable member of the community, among other reasons, I believed him. 

This experience taught me to be silent. I learned that silence made me a good and strong girl and that vulnerability made me weak. It taught me that vulnerability would cause bad things to happen to me. 

A New and Empowered Girl: 

We had to give an end-of-semester presentation discussing what we learned, how those lessons impacted us, and how we would incorporate them beyond our time in that WGSS class.

I learned to speak, share my story, and embark on finding my voice. For the first time, I decided to talk about the molestation.

I learned that vulnerability is powerful because it plants transformational seeds that sprout and bloom and change lives. 

 Seeing others (even from a documentary) share their stories planted seeds of courage in me to do the same.

I became transformed when I, for the very first time, started incorporating vulnerability into my friendships, romantic relationships, and even my professional life.  

Three Benefits of Vulnerability I've Experienced 

Vulnerability builds authentic connections: 

"I don't know how in the world you do what you do that these kids love you so much, Ms. Cooper," a coworker said, shaking her head as she walked past my desk in amusement sometime before 8am. 

Students and staff flock around my work area to talk or take a breather. 

Coworkers often tell me that my name was brought up in a meeting and that students feel safe and very comfortable with me. 

Although I don't share certain things with my students and staff due to the environment, I still allow them to see me as a human and not just a staff. 

Vulnerability with my students is sometimes me pausing and acknowledging that something they said or did hurt my feelings.

It's also me apologizing and recognizing my intention versus the impact of what I say or do have on them.

It's sharing my wins and losses with some members of my staff.

Vulnerability deepens connections: 

"Wow, I've never shared this with anyone before, but for some reason, I feel so comfortable sharing this with you." People tell me this so frequently. 

Others feel highly comfortable sharing parts of themselves with me that they usually don't share or have never shared. 

In a group chat, I once shared a challenge I was fighting in secret. Days or weeks later, a girlfriend of mine called me and shared that she, too, had been struggling for years with the same thing but was scared and ashamed to share it with anyone. 

 I was the first person she was telling at that moment.

Finally, after over eight years, we were able to open up to each other for the first time, and that bond and openness spread in our friendship group. 

Within a few moments of vulnerability, our connection and friendship deepened. Since then, our entire friendship group has begun taking off our masks and sharing our authentic selves even when it feels so scary. 

Vulnerability fosters an environment for healing: 

When we began dating, I frequently contemplated how much of my life and experiences to share with my partner. 

I had opened up to another guy in a previous relationship who used my vulnerability against me and manipulated me throughout the relationship. 

"I hope you don't use it against me," I said to my partner in fear each time I opened up about something.

I wanted to be honest and open with him, but I was also trying to protect myself. 

I was scared, and it felt like opening up to another romantic partner again after that awful experience was me giving an open invitation to get hurt again. 

I soon realized that my partner was also struggling to be vulnerable with me because someone had also used his moment of vulnerability against him. 

The more I opened up, he started opening up as well. 

Being vulnerable with each other quickly strengthened our connection and deepened our bond. 

It quickly developed and built trust in our relationship, which helped us both begin letting our guards down piece by piece. 

It helped us to feel empowered to ask for clarifications and understanding with each other.

Asking for clarifications from each other has helped us to know why we see the world the way we do and why we feel and think the way we do instead of making assumptions that lead to unnecessary frustrations. 

It has helped us gently remind each other, "Hey, I'm not your past; I know you've been hurt. Can we build our relationship on a fresh ground?" 

Vulnerability in our relationship has created genuine trust, the ability to trust each other to have difficult conversations, support each other, and heal. 

Vulnerability in your relationship can feel so hard and scary. 

But magic doesn't show up where there's no challenge. Growth and great success, even in relationships, come with becoming just a bit uncomfortable. 

When you feel scared to be vulnerable with your romantic partner, friends, family, and others, I hope you remember that it takes courage and you are courageous. 

Listen, vulnerability doesn't have to be a jumping-out-of-the-airplane experience. What I mean is, start small. 

Come back next week, when we'll talk about how to get smart with vulnerability so that yours doesn't get abused like mine did.  

Click on this link to read last week's post titled "Your Relationships Suck; Here's How to Fix Them." 

It also included three self-reflected questions to guide you on your journey of vulnerability. 

For more content, please subscribe to my YouTube channel and follow me on all social platforms!

Welcome to Stop the Cycle! Congratulations on being a step closer to experiencing the fantastic benefits of vulnerability in your relationships. 

I am so happy that we're now a team! 

Cheers! 

Love,

Maman, Your Relationship Navigator