Behind the Mask: Were You Abused or Are You Making It Up?

Heads up before you read ↓

Unhealthy relationships have devastating impacts on our lives and our ability to live in fulfilling and fruitful ways. This blocks or, at best, delays us from the opportunity to develop and nurture great relationships.

I know this so well because I've seen unhealthy relationships and their impacts all my life. 

I've also been in unhealthy relationships on different ends myself: one end where I was the unhealthy and toxic partner, and on the other end, where I was the recipient of a toxic and abusive partner.

The sad reality is that abuse is so common in our society it has become a cultural norm in many communities.

We've rightfully arrived at a stage in society where women are becoming more encouraged and empowered to share their experiences about a toxic and abusive partner or ex-partner.

This has led more and more women and even girls to speak up about their own experiences.

Due to what may seem like a slight increase in the frequency of women sharing their unfortunate experiences with the world, it makes others wonder if abuse is really as prevalent as it is said to be or if these are made-up stories, with some being intended to cast a negative light on a partner or on an ex-partner. 

I once saw a guy comment on a social media post stating that women are always saying that they've experienced abuse or are being abused, but you don't hear men saying this.

This comment would've been well made if the purpose of it was to encourage male victims and survivors to be included more in this conversation and speak up.

However, his comment was not communicated with the purpose of encouraging men to speak up, share their experiences, or seek help. 

This comment insinuated that women are making up things up and that stories of abuse are like a new fashion trend women jump on.

I desperately wish he was right in that abuse is not as common as the many stories we hear.  

I might have thought this way as well if I had not personally experienced, seen, and heard of so many of those stories myself in my own personal life.

Just like women aren't lying, the data doesn't lie, either. And it’s not just women that experience abuse. Here are some statistics to look at by the Center for Family Justice:

• 1 in 4 women and 1 out of 6 men are sexually abused in their lifetime

• Nearly 6 out of 10 sexual assaults occur in the victim's home or the home of a friend, relative or neighbor;

• 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be sexually assaulted by the time they reach 18;

• About 30 percent of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the cycle of violence.

These statistics are devastating, to say the least. As a result, some people, like the guy who commented, can easily look at these statistics and question the reality of them.

Someone can look at these statistics and think, "Wow, that's crazy." 

The real pushback comes in when we put faces to the numbers. The faces behind the statistics are the people who are saying, 

"I was sexually assaulted," "I was molested," "My ex-partner is stalking me," etc. 

A huge part of this pushback is because the numbers are high and because a victim or survivor of abuse usually isn't so easily identifiable by looking at them.

Going back to the statistics above, what we're learning from these statistics is that for every four women that you know, one of them has been sexually abused or will be sexually abused.

This also means that for every six men that you know personally, one of them has been or will be sexually abused.

Keep in mind that some of us know more girls and women, boys and men who have been abused, while some may not know someone to pinpoint who has experienced anything like this.

The truth is that the number of people in your life who are victims or survivors of abuse are bigger than you think or know, even if you genuinely don’t think you know a single person in your personal life who has experienced this. 

Many people lack awareness of the victims and survivors in their lives because talking about these harsh realities is a hush-hush and something reserved for victims to deal with on their own and talk to a therapist about behind closed doors.

The reality is that many women, children, men, and others who are vulnerable, such as the elderly and those with a disability, encounter all kinds of abuse on a daily and weekly basis.

Chances are you or someone you know right now is living their life in abuse. A child you see that is either acting up or that is the role model student is going through abuse or is a survivor. 

I watch over and over again the shock that comes over people's faces when I share with them that I was sexually molested growing up. 

It's usually this great level of shock that pierces its way through the skin on their faces.   

A lot of people are usually shocked for different reasons. 

I sometimes get a frantic look on their faces, followed by, "You don't look like someone who was abused." 

The people who know me, know me well enough to be a self-confident and joyful woman. For them, an abused person doesn’t look like me.

Other people get a shock on their faces because they can't believe that I shared that information. 

That is not something people talk about, and when I challenge myself to speak about it boldly, it catches them off guard. 

Some people believe that they "don't know someone who has gone through that before," or they have gone through it themselves, and it's something that they do not talk about. 

One thing that I've started to do more of, which I encourage others to practice doing, is being vulnerable and showing who they are behind their mask.

If you're like me, you show up in the world as highly confident, self-assured, and joyful. 

It's true that all those things are who I am. Can I be honest with you, though? For a long time, I hid behind that part of me to hide from others that I was being abused and then, later, to hide that I was a survivor of abuse. 

Perhaps those personalities are who you are as well. Just like I used to be, maybe you're hiding behind the mask as well. 

Other people have built the reputation of being the difficult person, perhaps because the person lashes out or is difficult to work with or difficult to love. Maybe you're the quiet, calm one, and people can't figure you out.

Regardless of how you mask the abuse that happened to you, regardless of how someone else masks the abuse that happened to them, I want to share something with you that someone said to me that helped free me tremendously.

Years ago, I was a facilitator part of a leadership cohort for a social justice education program at a university. Part of our training entailed us uncovering who we were beyond what we showed the world. 

I shared my story of an abusive past. 

This was a one-week training where we did many different activities, and we wrote random notes to put in a container for someone we appreciate, have a comment for, or just wanted to write to. You had the option to write your name or leave it anonymous. Everyone had their designated container. 

When I got home from the training at the end of the week, I started going through the notes, and one particular note was unforgettable. 

"I am so sorry, it wasn't your fault."

Do you know what happened after I read that note?

I stood there and read the note again, and the tears came flushing out of me.

 That was the first time someone had ever told me that it wasn't my fault. 

That phrase freed me from victim blaming.

That note, that phrase was a gift of healing.

Please grant me the opportunity to pass along this gift to you.

"I am so sorry, it wasn't your fault."

Do you hear? Do you truly hear me? 

It wasn't your fault. 

Breathe that truth in.

Hey! I know this post wasn't an easy one to read. Thank you for reading till the end.

You are loved more than you know. Before you leave, will you do me a favor?

Can you reach out to at least one person (you can do more if you would like) and say to them:

"I am so sorry, it wasn't your fault."

Can you tell them that and really mean it? 

If you don't know someone personally who needs this, you can post it on social media instead with a brief caption of your own. 

You don’t have to share your story if you’re not ready. 

Feel free to tag me, and I'll reshare.

We all need and deserve healing. Let's try to give that to each other.

Welcome to Stop the Cycle!

Cheers and love,

Maman, Your Relationship Navigator