Vulnerability Hacks: How to Open Up Without Getting Hurt

Chances are, you clicked on this post because you’re thinking about opening up to someone and want to know how to do so without getting hurt. 

Or you might be wondering, “Should I open up?” or “Can I get away with not opening up?” 

Maybe you’re in a new or existing relationship that you want to improve. 

Ultimately, you’re asking, “How do I open up without getting hurt?” 

First, I am so proud of you for working to find a healthy balance between deepening your connection with someone and creating boundaries for yourself and your relationship. 

People tend to hesitate to open up due to past hurt. This hesitation because of an experience leads to new partners or partnerships paying the price for a crime they did not commit. 

Shaquille (Shaq) O’Neal, the former NBA Champion, was recently interviewed on a podcast called The Big Podcast. He was asked if he’s ever been trusting enough to open up. 

“Open up to a woman, never. No. Never… because… once you do, whenever something happens, they’ll throw it back in your face.” He responded. 

I empathize with him because someone must have betrayed him in such a manner before for him to have this kind of perspective.  

I also want to note that never trusting a woman or opening up to her is not the solution unless he is committed to unhealthy relationships for the rest of his life. 

Although I am clearly an ambassador of vulnerability, I would be doing you a disservice if we did not address the downsides of vulnerability with others. Before you proceed, I encourage you to check out my highly recommended blog posts, which will help you dive deeper into vulnerability.

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7 Practical Steps to Open Up Without Getting Hurt

1. Don’t be bullied into vulnerability.

Vulnerability should be encouraged, never forced. 

I once dated a guy; we’ll call him Henrick, who bullied me into vulnerability. I noticed early on that he and I had different core values. For example, I did not support pre-marital sex and did not allow a man I did not yet have a solid relationship with to visit my home; he communicated that my boundaries were “…just weird.” 

While on the phone one day, he confronted me and said that I was “…not acting like my age” simply because of things I was not okay with doing. 

Feeling my back against the wall, I snapped into at least ten minutes of spilling my gut out to him about probably anything I could ever remember that happened to me and how it influenced how I saw and navigated the world; some of these things which influenced other boundaries.

He listened silently without interrupting while I was out of breath. 

“I was not ready to share those parts of me, and now you’ve made me go there. Are you happy now?” I shared in frustration when I had finished. 

To hear more about this story, click on the link at the end of this post to subscribe to my YouTube channel. You will then be able to access the upcoming video in which I discuss it further. 

Trust me; you want to know what he said and what I learned right at that moment.  

2. Listen to your intuition. 

I’ve said this plenty of times: My intuition has never failed me. Ever. Where I’ve ever gone wrong in relationships or partnerships has consistently been when I ignored my intuition. 

I intuitively didn’t trust Henrick, although we shared a lot of laughter, and he genuinely supported my work and career aspirations. 

A lesson from this is that length of time and a bond with someone doesn’t equal ground for trust. 

Your intuition is an unsettled, quiet voice within you because it knows something you may not be conscious of yet. It’s a warning. Allow it to guide you, trusting it has your best interest at heart. 

3. Set boundaries

Having boundaries for yourself is essential in your journey of practicing vulnerability.

Decide what parts of yourself you will and will not share. Decide at what stages of your relationships and life you will reveal certain parts of yourself.

For example, a boundary may be that you will only disclose information about yourself but that anything anyone else has confided in you is entirely off-limits.

A boundary can also be that you will not disclose or discuss finances until three or six months or until you’re exclusively in a relationship.

Decide ahead of time what boundaries work for you and which are negotiable and non-negotiable.

4. Check-in with yourself

"Is it me or is it him?" is a question I started asking myself when I found myself scared to open up to my partner in the earlier stages of our relationship because I was afraid he would violate my trust. 

"I hope you don't use this against me one day," I told him each time I finally opened up about something. 

Here's the thing: yes, I previously had a terrible experience with SOMEONE ELSE, even before that awful contact with Henrick.

My partner isn't that someone, and he had not given me any reason not to trust him; I was projecting because of something that happened in the past with someone else.

So, the next time you're struggling to open up, ask yourself, "Is this me projecting based on an experience, or is my partner giving me valid reasons not to trust them with my vulnerability?" 

In that upcoming YouTube video I mentioned, I'll discuss how to navigate when your partner gives you reasons not to trust them. Make sure to subscribe to my channel to get that information.

5. Start Small

Stepping into vulnerability does not have to be a jump-out-of-the-plane experience.

If you’re hesitant to be vulnerable, chances are you’ve been hurt or witnessed someone whose vulnerability was misused.

Don’t ignore that fear. Don’t challenge yourself to go all in with trusting someone or others with sensitive parts of you.

You can start small and pace yourself. Share something small with the person and assess how it goes before sharing something else.

6. Communicate

Communicating your boundaries and what you need to feel safe in opening up with the other person is as crucial as setting limits in the first place.

You may have additional boundaries when communicating with someone (please refer to the examples above in Setting Your Boundaries).

A boundary that my partner is big on communicating with me has been, “Please prioritize bringing something up in a calm environment and not out of anger.”

One non-negotiable boundary I had to communicate with my partner to feel safe was not to raise his voice in frustration, no matter what was happening.

We know we won’t always get it right, but we’re committed to each other and the health of our relationship enough to commit to what we both need to feel safe and secure.

7. Believe what you see

To avoid getting hurt, believe what you see. Your partner making errors here and there, depending on the severity of the error, may require you to simply address the situation and give them grace to grow.

However, someone who is not committed to growing and consistently shows patterns of violating your mental, emotional, spiritual, etc. safety is someone to watch out for. Even if they are great with you but act this way with someone else, don't make excuses for them.

In some situations, it is much safer for you to believe that your partner's behaviors will be more destructive than not.

For example, your partner has patterns of abusing finances, your partner continuously entertains others, or your partner makes you feel unsafe emotionally, mentally, physically, etc.

What you're seeing is at the bare minimum where they're at. It doesn't mean they can't change or won't change.

However, I recommend that you allow them to change on their own so that you don't get caught in the crossfire of a partner who needs professional help and self-work to work through what they need to work through.

Aim to be open and vulnerable, but use your judgment and intuition.

To recap, here are the seven ways to open up to others without getting hurt:

1. Don’t be bullied into vulnerability 

2. Listen to your intuition

3. Set Boundaries

4. Check-in with yourself

5. Start small

6. Communicate

7. Believe what you see

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